I was reading Childe Harold for the first time--a wonderful, a memorable poem! I was at that passage--the bull-fight--you remember:
"'Thrice sounds the clarion; lo! the signal falls, The din expands, and expectation mute'--when suddenly Eilie said: 'Suppose I were to leave off loving you?'
It was as if some one had struck me in the face.I jumped up, and tried to take her in my arms, but she slipped away; then she turned, and began laughing softly.I laughed too.I don't know why....
VI
"We went back to London the next day; we lived quite close to the school, and about five days a week Dalton came to dine with us.He would have come every day, if he had not been the sort of man who refuses to consult his own pleasure.We had more pupils than ever.
In my leisure I taught my wife to fence.I have never seen any one so lithe and quick; or so beautiful as she looked in her fencing dress, with embroidered shoes.
"I was completely happy.When a man has obtained his desire he becomes careless and self-satisfied; I was watchful, however, for Iknew that I was naturally a selfish man.I studied to arrange my time and save my money, to give her as much pleasure as I could.
What she loved best in the world just then was riding.I bought a horse for her, and in the evenings of the spring and summer we rode together; but when it was too dark to go out late, she would ride alone, great distances, sometimes spend the whole day in the saddle, and come back so tired she could hardly walk upstairs--I can't say that I liked that.It made me nervous, she was so headlong--but Ididn't think it right to interfere with her.I had a good deal of anxiety about money, for though I worked hard and made more than ever, there never seemed enough.I was anxious to save--I hoped, of course--but we had no child, and this was a trouble to me.She grew more beautiful than ever, and I think was happy.Has it ever struck you that each one of us lives on the edge of a volcano? There is, Iimagine, no one who has not some affection or interest so strong that he counts the rest for nothing, beside it.No doubt a man may live his life through without discovering that.But some of us--! I am not complaining; what is--is." He pulled the cap lower over his eyes, and clutched his hands firmly on the top of his stick.He was like a man who rushes his horse at some hopeless fence, unwilling to give himself time, for fear of craning at the last moment."In the spring of '78, a new pupil came to me, a young man of twenty-one who was destined for the army.I took a fancy to him, and did my best to turn him into a good swordsman; but there was a kind of perverse recklessness in him; for a few minutes one would make a great impression, then he would grow utterly careless.'Francis,' I would say, 'if I were you I should be ashamed.' 'Mr.Brune,' he would answer, 'why should I be ashamed? I didn't make myself.' God knows, I wish to do him justice, he had a heart--one day he drove up in a cab, and brought in his poor dog, who had been run over, and was dying: For half an hour he shut himself up with its body, we could hear him sobbing like a child; he came out with his eyes all red, and cried: 'I know where to find the brute who drove over him,' and off he rushed.He had beautiful Italian eyes; a slight figure, not very tall; dark hair, a little dark moustache; and his lips were always a trifle parted--it was that, and his walk, and the way he drooped his eyelids, which gave him a peculiar, soft, proud look.I used to tell him that he'd never make a soldier! 'Oh!' he'd answer, 'that'll be all right when the time comes! He believed in a kind of luck that was to do everything for him, when the time came.One day he came in as I was giving Eilie her lesson.This was the first time they saw each other.After that he came more often, and sometimes stayed to dinner with us.I won't deny, sir, that I was glad to welcome him; Ithought it good for Eilie.Can there be anything more odious," he burst out, "than such a self-complacent blindness? There are people who say, 'Poor man, he had such faith!' Faith, sir! Conceit! I was a fool--in this world one pays for folly....
"The summer came; and one Saturday in early June, Eilie, I, and Francis--I won't tell you his other name--went riding.The night had been wet; there was no dust, and presently the sun came out--a glorious day! We rode a long way.About seven o'clock we started back-slowly, for it was still hot, and there was all the cool of night before us.It was nine o'clock when we came to Richmond Park.
A grand place, Richmond Park; and in that half-light wonderful, the deer moving so softly, you might have thought they were spirits.We were silent too--great trees have that effect on me....
"Who can say when changes come? Like a shift of the wind, the old passes, the new is on you.I am telling you now of a change like that.Without a sign of warning, Eilie put her horse into a gallop.
'What are you doing?' I shouted.She looked back with a smile, then he dashed past me too.A hornet might have stung them both: they galloped over fallen trees, under low hanging branches, up hill and down.I had to watch that madness! My horse was not so fast.Irode like a demon; but fell far behind.I am not a man who takes things quietly.When I came up with them at last, I could not speak for rage.They were riding side by side, the reins on the horses'
necks, looking in each other's faces.'You should take care,' Isaid.'Care!' she cried; 'life is not all taking care!' My anger left me.I dropped behind, as grooms ride behind their mistresses...
Jealousy! No torture is so ceaseless or so black....In those minutes a hundred things came up in me--a hundred memories, true, untrue, what do I know? My soul was poisoned.I tried to reason with myself.It was absurd to think such things! It was unmanly....
Even if it were true, one should try to be a gentleman! But I found myself laughing; yes, sir, laughing at that word." He spoke faster, as if pouring his heart out not to a live listener, but to the night.
