THE STOMACH
1.BEING allowed for once to speak，I would fain take the opportunity to set forth how ill，in all respects，we stomachs are used.From the beginning to the end of life，we are either afflicted with too little or too much，or not the right thing，or things which are horribly disagreeable to us；or are otherwise thrown into a state of discomfort.I do not think it proper to take up a moment in bewailing the Too Little，for that is an evil which is never the fault of our masters，but rather the result of their misfortunes；and indeed we would sometimes feel as if it were a relief from other kinds of distress，if we were put upon short allowance for a few days.But we conceive ourselves to have matter for a true bill against mankind in respect to the Too Much，which is always a voluntarily-incurred evil.
2.What a pity that in the progress of discovery we can not establish some means of a good understanding between mankind and their stomachs；for really the effects of their non-acquaintance are most vexatious.Human beings seem to be，to this day，completely in the dark as to what they ought to take at any time，and err almost as often from ignorance as from depraved appetite.Sometimes，for instance，when we of the inner house are rather weakly，they will send us down an article that we only could deal with when in a state of robust health.Sometimes，when we would require mild semi-farinaceous or vegetable diet，they will persist in all the most stimulating and irritating of viands.
3.What sputtering we poor stomachs have when mistakes of that kind occur！What remarks we indulge in，regarding our masters！“What‘s this，now？”will a stomach-genius say，“ah，detestable stuff？What an ever-lasting fool that man is！Will he never learn？Just the very thing I did not want.If hewould only send down a bowl of fresh leek soup，or barley broth，there would be some sense in it：“and so on.If we had only been allowed to give the slightest hint now and then，like faithful servants as we are，from how many miseries might we have saved both our masters and ourselves！
4.I have been a stomach for about forty years，during all of which time I have endeavored to do my duty faithfully and punctually.My master，however，is so reckless，that I would defy any stomach of ordinary ability and capacity to get along pleasantly with him.The fact is，like almost all other men，he，in his eating and drinking，considers his own pleasure only，and never once reflects on the poor wretch who has to be responsible for the disposal of every thing down stairs.Scarcely on any day does he fail to exceed the strict rule of temperance；nay，there is scarcely a single meal which is altogether what it ought to be，either in its constituents or its general amount.My life is therefore one of continual worry and fret；I am never off the drudge from morning till night，and have not a moment in the four-and-twenty hours that I can safely call my own.
5.My greatest trial takes place in the evening，when my master has dined.If you only saw what a mess this said dinner is，soup，fish，flesh，fowl，ham，curry，rice，potatoes，table-beer，sherry，tart，pudding，cheese，bread，all mixed up together.I am accustomed to the thing，so don’t feel much shocked；but my master himself would faint at the sight.The slave of duty in all circumstances，I call in my friend Gastric Juice，and to it we set，with as much good-will as if we had the most agreeable task in the world before us.But，unluckily，my master has an impression very firmly fixed upon him that our business is apt to be vastly promoted by an hour or two‘s drinking；so he continues at table among his friends，and pours me down some bottle and a half of wine，perhaps of various sorts，that bothers Gastric Juice and me to a degree of which no one can have any conception.
