Dear Yorick, said my father smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stept first into the parlour)--this Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.--Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.--But he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.--There has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.--That, you are a better judge of than I, replied Yorick.--Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:--the trine and ***til aspects have jumped awry,--or the opposite of their ascendents have not hit it, as they should,--or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,--or something has been wrong above, or below with us.
'Tis possible, answered Yorick.--But is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse?--The Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell us--Theologically? said Yorick,--or speaking after the manner of apothecaries? (footnote in Greek Philo.)--statesmen? (footnote in Greek)--or washer-women? (footnote in Greek Bochart.)--I'm not sure, replied my father,--but they tell us, brother Toby, he's the better for it.--Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into Egypt.--Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.--Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabic to me.--I wish, said Yorick, 'twas so, to half the world.
--Ilus, (footnote in Greek Sanchuniatho.) continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.--Not without a court martial? cried my uncle Toby.--Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle Toby's remark, but turning to Yorick,--are greatly divided still who Ilus was;--some say Saturn;--some the Supreme Being;--others, no more than a brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.--Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it:--others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of them.--But then again, our best polemic divines--I wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom;--one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted ship-load of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.--Pray, Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,--do tell me what a polemic divine is?--The best description, captain Shandy, Ihave ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied Yorick, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which Ihave in my pocket.--I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.--You shall, said Yorick.--And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,--and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper,--I beg, brother, you'll give him leave to come in.--With all my soul, said my father.--Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
