So people of my class evade the terrible contradiction in four ways.Strain my attention as I would,I saw no way except those four.One way was not to understand that life is senseless,vanity,and an evil,and that it is better not to live.I could not help knowing this,and when I once knew it could not shut my eyes to it.the second way was to use life such as it is without thinking of the future.And I could not do that.I,like Sakya Muni,could not ride out hunting when I knew that old age,suffering,and death exist.My imagination was too vivid.Nor could I rejoice in the momentary accidents that for an instant threw pleasure to my lot.The third way,having under stood that life is evil and stupid,was to end it by killing oneself.I understood that,but somehow still did not kill myself.The fourth way was to live like Solomon and Schopenhauer--knowing that life is a stupid joke played upon us,and still to go on living,washing oneself,dressing,dining,talking,and even writing books.This was to me repulsive and tormenting,but I remained in that position.
I see now that if I did not kill myself it was due to some dim consciousness of the invalidity of my thoughts.However convincing and indubitable appeared to me the sequence of my thoughts and of those of the wise that have brought us to the admission of the senselessness of life,there remained in me a vague doubt of the justice of my conclusion.
It was like this:I,my reason,have acknowledged that life is senseless.If there is nothing higher than reason (and there is not:nothing can prove that there is),then reason is the creator of life for me.If reason did not exist there would be for me no life.How can reason deny life when it is the creator of life?Or to put it the other way:were there no life,my reason would not exist;therefore reason is life's son.Life is all.Reason is its fruit yet reason rejects life itself!I felt that there was something wrong here.
Life is a senseless evil,that is certain,said I to myself.
Yet I have lived and am still living,and all mankind lived and lives.How is that?Why does it live,when it is possible not to live?Is it that only I and Schopenhauer are wise enough to understand the senselessness and evil of life?
The reasoning showing the vanity of life is not so difficult,and has long been familiar to the very ******st folk;yet they have lived and still live.How is it they all live and never think of doubting the reasonableness of life?
My knowledge,confirmed by the wisdom of the sages,has shown me that everything on earth--organic and inorganic--is all most cleverly arranged--only my own position is stupid.and those fools--the enormous masses of people--know nothing about how everything organic and inorganic in the world is arranged;but they live,and it seems to them that their life is very wisely arranged!
...
And it struck me:"But what if there is something I do not yet know?Ignorance behaves just in that way.Ignorance always says just what I am saying.When it does not know something,it says that what it does not know is stupid.Indeed,it appears that there is a whole humanity that lived and lives as if it understood the meaning of its life,for without understanding it could not live;but I say that all this life is senseless and that I cannot live.
"Nothing prevents our denying life by suicide.well then,kill yourself,and you won't discuss.If life displeases you,kill yourself!You live,and cannot understand the meaning of life--then finish it,and do not fool about in life,saying and writing that you do not understand it.You have come into good company where people are contented and know what they are doing;if you find it dull and repulsive--go away!"
Indeed,what are we who are convinced of the necessity of suicide yet do not decide to commit it,but the weakest,most inconsistent,and to put it plainly,the stupidest of men,fussing about with our own stupidity as a fool fusses about with a painted hussy?For our wisdom,however indubitable it may be,has not given us the knowledge of the meaning of our life.But all mankind who sustain life--millions of them--do not doubt the meaning of life.
Indeed,from the most distant time of which I know anything,when life began,people have lived knowing the argument about the vanity of life which has shown me its senselessness,and yet they lived attributing some meaning to it.
From the time when any life began among men they had that meaning of life,and they led that life which has descended to me.
All that is in me and around me,all,corporeal and incorporeal,is the fruit of their knowledge of life.Those very instruments of thought with which I consider this life and condemn it were all devised not be me but by them.I myself was born,taught,and brought up thanks to them.They dug out the iron,taught us to cut down the forests,tamed the cows and horses,taught us to sow corn and to live together,organized our life,and taught me to think and speak.And I,their product,fed,supplied with drink,taught by them,thinking with their thoughts and words,have argued that they are an absurdity!"There is something wrong,"said I to myself."I have blundered somewhere."But it was a long time before I could find out where the mistake was.
