But if I--were to die first--then tell him--I'm sorry for him.They keep saying: 'Don't talk--don't talk!' Isn't it stupid? As if Ishould have any other chance! There'll be no more talking after to-night! Make everybody come, please--I want to see them all.When you're dying you're freer than any other time--nobody wants you to do things, nobody cares what you say....He promised me I should do what I liked if I married him--I never believed that really--but now I can do what I like; and say all the things I want to." She lay back silent; she could not after all speak the inmost thoughts that are in each of us, so sacred that they melt away at the approach of words.
I shall remember her like that--with the gleam of a smile in her half-closed eyes, her red lips parted--such a quaint look of mockery, pleasure, regret, on her little round, upturned face; the room white, and fresh with flowers, the breeze guttering the apple-leaves against the window.In the night they had unhooked the violin and taken it away; she had not missed it....When Dan came, I gave up my place to him.He took her hand gently in his great paw, without speaking.
"How small my hand looks there," she said, "too small." Dan put it softly back on the bedclothes and wiped his forehead.Pasiance cried in a sharp whisper: "Is it so hot in here? I didn't know." Dan bent down, put his lips to her fingers and left the room.
The afternoon was long, the longest I've ever spent.Sometimes she seemed to sleep, sometimes whispered to herself about her mother, her grandfather, the garden, or her cats--all sorts of inconsequent, trivial, even ludicrous memories seemed to throng her mind--never once, I think, did she speak of Zachary, but, now and then, she asked the time....Each hour she grew visibly weaker.John Ford sat by her without moving, his heavy breathing was often the only sound;sometimes she rubbed her fingers on his hand, without speaking.It was a summary of their lives together.Once he prayed aloud for her in a hoarse voice; then her pitiful, impatient eyes signed to me.
"Quick," she whispered, "I want him; it's all so--cold."I went out and ran down the path towards the cove.
Leaning on a gate stood Zachary, an hour before his time; dressed in the same old blue clothes and leather-peaked cap as on the day when Isaw him first.He knew nothing of what had happened.But at a quarter of the truth, I'm sure he divined the whole, though he would not admit it to himself.He kept saying, "It can't be.She'll be well in a few days--a sprain! D' you think the sea-voyage....Is she strong enough to be moved now at once?"It was painful to see his face, so twisted by the struggle between his instinct and his vitality.The sweat poured down his forehead.
He turned round as we walked up the path, and pointed out to sea.
There was his steamer."I could get her on board in no time.
Impossible! What is it, then? Spine? Good God! The doctors....
Sometimes they'll do wonders!" It was pitiful to see his efforts to blind himself to the reality.
"It can't be, she's too young.We're walking very slow." I told him she was dying.
For a second I thought he was going to run away.Then he jerked up his head, and rushed on towards the house.At the foot of the staircase he gripped me by the shoulder.
"It's not true!" he said; "she'll get better now I'm here.I'll stay.Let everything go.I'll stay.""Now's the time," I said, "to show you loved her.Pull yourself together, man!" He shook all over.
"Yes!" was all he answered.We went into her room.It seemed impossible she was going to die; the colour was bright in her cheeks, her lips trembling and pouted as if she had just been kissed, her eyes gleaming, her hair so dark and crisp, her face so young....
Half an hour later I stole to the open door of her room.She was still and white as the sheets of her bed.John Ford stood at the foot; and, bowed to the level of the pillows, his head on his clenched fists, sat Zachary.It was utterly quiet.The guttering of the leaves had ceased.When things have come to a crisis, how little one feels--no fear, no pity, no sorrow, rather the sense, as when a play is over, of anxiety to get away!
Suddenly Zachary rose, brushed past me without seeing, and ran downstairs.
Some hours later I went out on the path leading to the cove.It was pitch-black; the riding light of the Pied Witch was still there, looking no bigger than a firefly.Then from in front I heard sobbing--a man's sobs; no sound is quite so dreadful.Zachary Pearse got up out of the bank not ten paces off.
I had no heart to go after him, and sat down in the hedge.There was something subtly akin to her in the fresh darkness of the young night; the soft bank, the scent of honeysuckle, the touch of the ferns and brambles.Death comes to all of us, and when it's over it's over; but this blind business--of those left behindA little later the ship whistled twice; her starboard light gleamed faintly--and that was all....
VIII
